Rogue CNN Chapter 6: Guns, Siberia, Special Council, King Chicken Theory

((Rogue CNN exists in a parallel universe to ours where a property developer and reality TV star gets elected President))
Wolf: Another day another set of stories from the Trump White House. Let’s take you to the White House Press Secretary’s briefing today and then we will come back to the panel for comment.
Rogue Washington Post: Last year in the USA there were 437 deaths from mass killing attempts compared with only 54 in the whole of Europe over the same time. Is it true that the President is considering gun control legislation after the recent shooting of Republican law makers?
Strauss: It’s true that the President is worried about what happened to Representative Scalise's and others shot on Wednesday the 14th of June. Our prayers are with their families.
It is, true there have been 154-mass shooting this year but most of you don’t cover this. Infact would
you believe it that gun sales are down since the election of President Trump gun stocks have also dropped steeply. American Outdoor Brands (AOBC), the company formerly known as Smith & Wesson, is down 33% from Election Day. Sturm Ruger (RGR) is also down 25% in that time. I am sure that the industry would be happy if President Trump put forward suggestions on limiting guns their sales would go back up.
At this time, the President has no intention to consider gun control legislation but if sales continue to drop that may be revisited.
Rogue CNN: How does the President feel about the rumor that Robert Mueller the Special Council is investigating the President for obstruction of justice?  Is it true that the President wanted to sack him and also is it true what we hear that White House staff were flipping out like headless chickens?
Strauss: Look guys give the President a break he is new at this stuff. He is used to running a company where you tell people what to do. He’s used to firing people who don’t do what he says. By his second term I’m sure he will be better on a lot of this stuff.
I would remind you that he had the enormous ratings for the Apprentice and people loved the section where he said “Your fired.” As far as chickens are concerned it is true he applies the well-known ‘King Chicken Theorem’ to his staff and those that survive will still be there at the 200-day mark. There is a betting league which Rogue POTUS, I understand, is running where you can bet on which of us will still be here by Christmas. There is no firm evidence to the rumor I put $10,000 on me leaving by Christmas”
Rogue New York Times: I’d like to raise the issue of the ‘Loyalty Pledge’ from the recent Cabinet Meeting. This looked more like North Korea or the former Soviet Union. We, and I think I can even include Rogue Fox News here (Rogue Fox News nods), were appalled.  My question is as Secretary Mattis was the only one to not do this is he being punished by the Great Leader? We hear he is being sent in a fact-finding trip to Siberia. Is this punishment for not doing the Leadership Pledge?
Strauss: hmmm who told you about the Siberia trip? (Rogue New York Times refuses to respond). Well the Russians, when they were in the White House, made the offer - should the President ever wish to send someone to see how the Soviet Union dealt with dissidents they would be more than willing to show some people around. As I have your attention on this subject earlier than I expected I’d just like to say we have agreed internally on the media representation on this trip and lucky for you it is the Rogue York Times, the Rogue Washington Post and Rogue CNN.  You all complained about not being on Secretary Tillerson’s trip to Asia so I hope I have made it up for you with this one.
Rogue Fox News: We hear that the President is very close to deciding on who will be the US nomination to head UNICEF. Rumor has it that he has offered it to Ivanka is that true?
Strauss: It’s true that Ivanka is being considered for the position – the President thinks she can bring style to the position and it works on areas she cares a lot for.
Wolf: Now back in studio we have some of regulars to comment on what we have heard from White House Press Spokesman Michael Strauss. Van what do you make of the possible appointment of Ivanka to head UNICEF?
Van Jones the Second: I think she would be amazing she has such a great wardrobe and I love her shoe collection. A lot of children it is alleged have been producing her fashion goods in Asia and so she has a real connection to children.
Wolf: I am not sure that is good. Kayleigh what do you think.
Kayleigh: Well if you compare Ivanka’s career to Tony Lake the present head of UNICEF who was an author, academic, and former American diplomat, Foreign Service Officer, and political advisor. Who was foreign policy advisor to many Democratic U.S. presidents and presidential candidates, and served as National Security Advisor under U.S. President Bill Clinton from 1993 to 1997. And is credited as being one of the individuals who developed the policy that led to the resolution of the Bosnian War. Then you would have to suggest that the Trump administration is dumbing down its appointments. It could have gone to Mitt Romney or someone like Andrew S. Natsios who headed USAID under President Bush or Henry
Paulson former Bush Secretary of the Treasury who has done work with Bono in Africa.pan
David Gergen: Well it clearly is worrying for Mattis…there is no date when he is coming back from Siberia. That Strauss has announced who the media pool journalists are going to be is also worrying. It seems to be focusing on the news agencies most critical of the Trump Presidency.
Anderson: We just heard that the whole trip is going to be filmed as part of a Russian reality TV show called ‘I have annoyed the Great Leader get me outta here now!!’ Fox has exclusive coverage in a deal with RT News.
Wolf: We have to go to a commercial break after that we will have a new panel of mathematicians to discuss the King Chicken Theorem and how the White House celebrated Russia Day.


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